It's Smart To Define Your Dating Relationship Before Deciding What Kind Of Gift To Give

(Sunday, December 18, 2005) - Anyone playing the dating game knows that the holidays come with a kind of gifting peril.

Give someone too much and you'll not only overwhelm them, you'll scare them back into singleton status. Don't give anything, and you risk looking cheap.

Rochelle Adams, relationship adviser for Yahoo Personals, suggests that when you're dating someone, choosing the correct gift can be awkward in all stages.

"The biggest landmine in a relationship is expectations," she said. "It's very difficult to guess your way through not only is a gift appropriate and what gift should I get."

It would be wiser, not to mention easier, to sit down and talk about the holiday and any gift expectations with your partner. Maybe you'll decide to plan a twosome holiday event, such as dinner or decorating the tree together, instead of exchanging presents. Frank talk is not only a good start to any budding relationship but also a way to eliminate the classic gift-giving faux pas in which one person gives extravagantly while the other doesn't.

"There's nothing more uncomfortable than the overwhelming gift. It becomes sort of the white elephant in the room," Adams said.

Whatever you do, don't give a gift that Mom might give. No boxer shorts or bath mat for any relationship less than a year in the making, said Lisa Lombardi, deputy editor of Quick & Simple magazine.

"Relationships are a two-way street. They have to progress slowly," Lombardi said. "You don't want your gift to scare a perfectly good person away."

She recalled the anxiety she felt when she had to buy a gift for a musician she had begun dating.

"I didn't want him to think psycho stalker," said Lombardi, who is now married to someone else. She gave him a guidebook of CD reviews.

Kate Nack, 26, of Milwaukee can attest to the stress of holiday giving.

"Christmas always puts on this pressure to define things. If you give something that's too much, not expensive but shows too much of your interest, does it seem like you're trying too hard?" Nack said.

"I'm thinking about this right now. I just went out with someone for the first time this week. If he were to give me anything, I'd freak out. It's too soon, and spending on people, well, it forces you to say you're more of a couple than you are.

"I'm just trying to ignore Christmas all together when it comes to seeing someone new," said Nack, a counselor. "I try to pretend it's August."

The calendar insists otherwise. To avoid a white elephant Christmas, relationship experts offer these gift-giving guidelines for all stages:

• You've gone on one date.

"It's nice just to either give them a Christmas card, maybe a box of favorite chocolates or flowers for the women," said Felicia O'Day, co-owner of It's Just Lunch dating services in Madison and Milwaukee. "If you don't have their address or their work address, send them an e-mail Christmas card."

Recommendation: Candy is dandy, but at this impressionable stage, think outside the 1-pound box and go for a gourmet caramel apple from Amy's Candy in Cedarburg. A splurge-worthy apple covered in Belgium chocolate costs anywhere from $7.99 to $18.99 and will come in a box with a gift card. Buy at the store or online at www.amyscandykitchen.com. Call (800) 513-8889.

• You've been dating for a month.

Go ahead, give a gift, said Margot Carmichael Lester, advice columnist for msn.com.

"You've probably been on enough dates and done enough talking to have some inkling of your date's interests." Lester said in an e-mail. "Play to them! If you know she loves old movies, pick up a DVD of her favorites or order a poster of her favorite. If he's a fan of a particular team, get him some logo gear or get an autographed picture of the team. Maybe make a gift to his/her favorite charity.

"Or make a cool mix CD/MP3 player playlist that's full of tunes you both like, or artists you'd like your date to discover. It's not about the cash you lay out, it's about your showing that you've been paying attention."

Think about a gift that brings up sentimental feelings from an early encounter. If you met for coffee, consider a gift card to revisit the memory.

Recommendation: A poster of his or her favorite movie (it shows you're listening). Suncoast has "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" for $9.99. There are Suncoast stores at Brookfield Square, Southridge Mall and Mayfair Mall.

• You've been dating for three to six months.

Think thoughtful, not showy, O'Day suggests. Stay away from anything commitment-driven such as watches or lingerie. Buy him your favorite book, or bake him sinfully indulgent brownies. Buy her champagne flutes and a good bottle of champagne.

According to Lester, you should have a good idea of what makes your partner tick by now, so feel free to get a little more personal with your gift. She recommends buying a one-day or weekend class or workshop she or he would enjoy, whether it's yoga, cooking or rock climbing.

Recommendation: Crate & Barrel Pirouette champagne glasses for $8.95 each; get two. Available at the store at Mayfair Mall. Don't forget to include a bottle of bubbly.

• You've been dating for six months or more.

"At this stage, remember what George Costanza says in 'Seinfeld' about gift-giving: 'It's a relationship barometer,' " said Jeff Cohen in an e-mail; he writes the About.com Guide to Dating. "From the gift you choose to what you say in the card, it's all symbolic of how you feel about the other person.

"You do want to be careful about gifts you can't use for several months (i.e. concert tickets or sporting events) because of the clear message it delivers about the longevity of your relationship," Cohen said.

Lester advises sticking with gifts that have an immediate pay-off but are personal. If you're considering lingerie, make sure it's the correct size. "When in doubt, buy small," he says.

O'Day, of It's Just Lunch, gives the green light to more intimate gifts.

"They should be more of a true expression of who you are," she said. Think massage for her or a watch with a personal inscription for him.

Recommendation: Erik of Norway offers a 60-minute hot stone massage for $100. If you, uh, knead more, they have a package of three 30-minute massages beginning at $120. The shop is at 1505 W. Mequon Road, Mequon. Call (262) 241-5111 or see www.erikofnorway.com.

• You've been dating for one year.

At this point, couples have some concrete knowledge to work with, experts agree. They should know each other well enough to have some ideas. And commitment certainly seems to be on the horizon.

"Jewelry that doesn't go on your fingers would be just fine: necklace, bracelet, cufflinks, tie tack, earrings - anything that says 'I dig you' without saying 'Will you marry me,' " Lester said.

"Also, high-priced gifts of items you know your partner would love. Like a truly fantastic bottle of wine (and two glasses, perhaps) or some ridiculously luxurious, high-thread-count sheets."
Cohen believes that at this point, the gifts should lean toward the significant. "When you reach the one-year mark, it's also a good time to give a more meaningful gift such as an iPod, jewelry or a surprise weekend getaway," he wrote.

Recommendation: Marshall Field's brand Hotel sheets with a 600-thread count. Sheets come in a variety of colors. But note that luxury will cost you. We got a flat queen sheet for $81.99 on sale; it's regularly $110.

• You're still playing the field.
Recommendation: Play it smart.

"If you're dating more than person at the same time, do not, under any circumstances, buy the same gift for both people," Cohen said. "If they ever find out, it'll be over with both of them."

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